I've decided for myself: your column, while it had a few moments many people might deem "funny" was unsuitable for publication in any upstanding source of journalistic intent.
Let's start out with your first line: "Here at the Spawn of Satan convention in Boston..." Right off the bat you start out with a joke more likely to be told over a few beers than in anything with more intellectual endeavors. Not the mention the fact that calling any group the "spawn of satan" is rather offensive.
The next part stood a chance of being genuinely funny: trying to find fellow conservatives at a democratic convention. However, you manage to make it not only rather crude humor, but, again, very offensive.
"...much like gay men do."
I'm wondering how, exactly, gay men "signal" to each other their sexuality. Bracelets saying "I like boys"? Rainbow colored shirts? Perhaps purple triangles on their sleeves so everyone can tell? Oops. I seem to have fallen into the much maligned "Nazi comparison", but I have to admit, that was the first thing that sprang to mind when you mentioned gay men wearing something to indicate such.
The eye-rolling of the cops also stood a chance of being slightly funny, if, yet again, you hadn't made it so offensive (and needlessly generalized) by saying all the "pretty girls" are on your side. I know it is for the sake of "humor" when you talk about female democrats, and, heck, I'll admit the line about boys not making a move was pretty funny. Then you have to go and include things like "...corn-fed", "...somewhat fragrant", and "...hippie-chick pie wagons they call 'women'" You put it in for a laugh, but this is not funny. At all. This is the sort of thing a man would tell his buddies down at the bar after many drinks before going back to a cheep motel with a hooker. It's horribly offensive to the many female democrats out there, and, quite frankly, I have no clue as to why the general "attractiveness" of the female members of a party has anything to do with how they plan to run the country. If you could fill me in on beauty's effects on policy I would greatly appreciate it.
The part about cops hating democrats also falls into the realm of horrible generalizations. I'm sure some cops dislike democrats, I'm sure some democrats dislike cops. I'm also sure some cops and republicans dislike each other. I'm also sure no upstanding democrat has ever called a police man a "fascist pig" simply because of the position he holds, just as I'm sure cops don't hate all Democrats just because Al Sharpton said something untrue about one or two of them. If they do remind me to go protest our justice system, because that's just not fair.
I'm pressed for time, or I'd continue going over the column like this. However, I'll just sum up the rest. Like above, there continue to be a few funny moments, and more that have the possibility of humor, but you repeatedly throw in lines that are so offensive many average Americans that the article is left as something barely worthy of the boys locker room, much less a newspaper. Even Cheney would wait until he was off the senate floor to say some of the things you have written.
The comparisons between Democrats and groups like Al Qaeda, the French, etc., on top of already being said twenty billion times before (most likely in the boys locker room or at the bar) are also incredibly offensive. What you have is a column so incredibly, blatantly, uncompromisingly partisan that people would naturally reject it simply because of that. To top it off you include phrases and even paragraphs of completely unsuitable material that is, in and of itself, slander.
I know you've probably been thinking the whole time you've been reading this (if you are even still reading) that Democrats do this all the time! Look at Al Franken! Jon Stewart! The list goes on! But I've read Al Franken's books, and I watch the Daily Show all the time, and they are NEVER as offensive as this column was. They use facts as a basis of their opinions, not hackneyed, ad hominem attacks. They restrict their jokes about people to the leaders of this country and other celebrities, rather than directing crude jokes towards the average American.
And they're funny.
Well, I'm off to go make some yummy blueberry desert. It's so darn good, and so darn easy!